We Three Kings of Tourient are Andrew, Josh, and Rob. Putting the ‘men’ in ménage à trois, you can meet them here:
*Names haven’t been changed to avoid offence*
Josh “The Leotard” Chappell (Sought culinary asylum in Japan, upon arrival in Kazakhstan)
Barman, Geologist and Chronic Underacheiver – Josh is, quite simply, the man that no-one is talking about. Capable of near-human intelligence, Josh reached his peak in 2006 when he became the best monobrowed Frisbee player in Easingwold School. Volatile and erratic; Josh has since thrown more hissy fits than you’ve had hot dinners. Previous cycling experience includes tours across Britain and Europe, and one time he fell off a BMX at a skatepark.
Post-Tourient Status: Alive, but left with sores that even Sudacrem can’t fix. Alcohol might, though. Currently testing this hypothesis.
Rob “Robster the Monster” Gardiner (Recently stopped cycling despite intact body, bike and wallet. Considered to be displaying worrying signs of maturity)
Tall, ungainly, and socially difficult; Rob is the people person of the group. Having known Rob since birth; Andrew is heartily sick of him, and possibly better placed than anyone to advise on his many flaws. Mercifully, space is short, and he will forgo too much detail. Rob has spent the last 15 months teaching in Korea, where he has gained unwarranted amounts of self-confidence from being over a foot taller than the local average. Rob has toured in Britain and Europe.
Post-Tourient Status – The main casualty in the Tourient Express’ war on parasites. Survived the chemical onslaught to remain tall and ungainly.
Post-New World Status: Surprisingly intact, in spite of continuing the Tourient penchant for flagrantly masochistic cycling. Returned from the New World with a weakened liver, but thighs of steel.
Andrew “The Snurger” Phillips (Subject to extraordinary rendition, at Mike’s behest, whilst in Kyrgyzstan)
Widely acknowledged by himself to be the fastest thing on two wheels, Andrew truly believes he would have taken the professional cycling world by storm if it wasn’t for his unfortunate ability to get more punctures than the Hindenburg. In homage to his current near-vagrancy, Andrew will be sporting some extremely undesirable facial hair with which he intends to scare children. Andrew has toured in Britain, Europe and North America.
Post-Tourient Status: Maintains an air of optimism, but terrifying facial hair belies hidden wounds. Now giving bankers hell, as a form of rehabilitation.